Can enough be said in such a moment as this? Never. Every emotion abounds.
My friend, lover, confidant, betrayer. Her life since she put me here, she told me, has been one of almost complete misery. Except for the love of her sons and hers of them, she told me she would have preferred death. A black stain on her soul was how she described it, what she did to me. She came back into my life on September of 2020 by sending a message that she wanted to talk with my attorneys to "make things right". She told me that she never expected for us to speak again because "you must hate me" and "why shouldn't you". Well, I had no intention to but by December when my so called representatives couldn't bother to travel the two hours to see her and find out exactly what she intended to do to "make things right'. I called her and she cried. She cried every time for days.
She had stuffed all of her anguish down for years and it nearly destroyed her. More so than that she said, " I have been tortured by the fact that Jordan hasn't had her Dad and you haven't had your daughter. I don't know if you can ever truly forgive me for being silent when I could have and should have had courage to speak."
This girl I've known since we were 18 sent me to Death Row in 2003 when we were 31. 17 years later she came back into my life with tears and a promise to help get my conviction overturned by admitting to all the world that she lied. It wasn't a simple lie though, she was manipulated, lied to,threatened and coerced into those lies by the police and prosecutors.
She was so scared that I could not forgive her, but at the same time so determined to make things right that she would risk the harassment she knew would come, and even the possible perjury charge they would surely threaten her with. She wanted some protection, and I supported that, so she asked my attorneys to help with arranging some neutral party (lawyer) to just advise as she was deposed. I have not heard from my attorneys on the subject even once. She said they declined to help her. She tried for four months to find some help with this, from so called innocence clinics to the appellate defenders office, to the ACLU. she was either declined or ignored.
She was scared, yes, but brave and courageous. She was overwhelmed with guilt but she wanted to do something after so long to make her boys proud, and she "missed' me so much it hurts".
There is so much more I could say about this girl, and I will, but what should be known here and now is that she loved her boys above all and she also loved me.
I know she wanted to help me by admitting she lied, but she and I both wanted this burden lifted and to heal together. I don't want for her efforts to be for naught and so I will keep fighting for my freedom, just as she wanted. Vanessa died on February 7th, 2021.
I Loved You Vanessa.......