I am under no illusions as to my situation. A sentence of Death was decided upon by twelve individuals who were lied to and manipulated by a team of prosecutors and police. None of them wanted to be there and never had to see me again. Based on that decision the court ordered me imprisoned and an execution date set, all in front of my family.
It has been commented upon by more than one observer that I displayed no emotion during this. That I never spoke or acted out in my defense. There are psychological studies on the behaviour of people being tried, convicted and given a death sentence, and those who act out are more often thought to be guilty. In my experience it was only that I felt the entire time there was no chance of obtaining a fair trial and so was resigned to the inevitable outcome. I was under no illusions.
In the interim children grow up and grow apart because they have no real concept of you as a person of significance in their lives. Parents grow old before your eyes and die waiting on you to be put to Death. Family and friends drift away or die waiting. Over twenty years with my appeal still as yet undecided has left me with only one person that started this long journey with me. I am under no illusions as to who cares for and loves me.
To be introduced to some person or other through a pen-pal organisation, religious group, or random inquiry from the curious is not uncommon. Relationships develop, evolve and mostly dissipate. Of the few that I have been able to maintain I almost constantly remind them that no matter if they think me innocent, no matter the evidence that shows this, no matter what steps I take, or what the attorneys on my case say, that I myself maintain no reasonable expectation of ever leaving here alive. Because I care for and love these few, they too should be under no illusions.
It is hard to dispel a caring person’s hope and faith and belief that a positive end will come of this. Sometimes you get caught up in their dreams, their enthusiasm. Sometimes you too want to believe, but that just isn’t rational, or healthy mentally. This doesn’t mean you give up the fight, or that you are negative or depressed constantly, it only means you know a fall can only happen if you get too high. You can be under no illusions.
Hope, to me, is fatal. Dreams are detrimental. Delusion is deadly. By keeping these in mind I can remain productive, supportive of others and continue forward in the face of adversity. But nevertheless of late I have become remiss in reminding people I am under no illusions as to my fate.
Inside here most want to grasp on to any hope for relief from the constant torment of ever looming execution. When one gets any nod from a court that something long overdue may happen, others delude themselves in hope, or fear, that what affects your court’s decision will also affect theirs. To fight for movement on your appeal doesn’t make everyone appreciate you. I am definitely under no illusions as to that.
The same for believing that attorneys have their client’s best interest in mind, or that any court cares about right or wrong, or even innocence.
I am under no illusions and that is the only way for me to keep going.