"Freund" has always be a difficult concept for me. It is expressed to us initially as other describe and explain, but as we begin to experience our own lives too often that expression does not coalesce into our own particular reality. Bits and pieces, here and there, of what we think it means, are all that we perceive. This because we as individuals are "maturing" as we evolve. They say the purity (innocence) of a child's inexperience allows them to see clearly what something truly is, when as adults our ability to perceive has been tarnished, has become jaded. Does the meaning of it change depending on a specific time in our life, or is it always as a child first thinks it to be?
When I reflect on my concept of what a friend was, I was surely a horrible one to the ones who thought me theirs, when they were not such to me. I was the truest friend you could want, until I sensed the slightest betrayal, which to me at the time could be almost anything.
I've come to understand, that for me, a friend is what is in the exact moment or situation I am in need, and so I can also only be that to another in their moment of need.
This doesn't mean revolve around waiting on those moments, but that when we can we will. Too often we are not there, through no fault of our own, so we shouldn't blame or think less of someone for that.
The situation I find myself in right now causes great distress in that it seems so little can be done physically for someone when they need my presence to accomplish something. All I can provide is emotional support, which for some is all they need in that moment. Sadly, the old saying "What the eyes don't see, the heart doesn't grieve for." is all too obvious when years go by while people who profess their friendship, and even love, neglect to have any contact with you, even the emotional kind.
The past, and all its perceptions, is just that. My failings haunt me, so with this platform I wish to extend my regrets and apologies to those hurt by me, albeit however unintentionally, and hope for forgiveness.
With the insight gained through this experience, I know what "friend" means more than ever, and so I want to thank those considered to be so, the old and the new (mein Liebling). I only strive to be what a friend means to each and every one of you, even when I cannot be there.